Sometimes i think my life was meant to suck

I'm so damn depressed on a daily bases nowadays that i have a gut feeling of apathy, loathing, and anxiety, similar to depression while incredibly hungry, it sticks to me. It makes me think things i shouldn't, it makes me want to jump in front of the nearest moving vehicle going fast enough to at least damage me a little. I assume one day the task of dealing with my problems, whether i caused them or not, will clutter my mind, to the point where i wont react to anything , and simply allow benefit and harm to roam my body as parasites, until my hosting duties are inapplicable. The feeling in my stomach is churning at the moment, it makes me uneasy, and if someone would end it all for me today, i would smile and gladly allow that soothing lead grace to pierce my brain. whether or not i've actually lost anything, i've already lost.

Sophomore Slump and Freshman Fifteen's

I've Never fully understood the meaning of sophomore slump, and to be quite honest, I've only heard the phrase and assumed it means what i think it does. In any case its very much applicable to me i suppose. My sophomore year was a very strange turning point in my life. The girl of my dreams came to be in reality the girl in my life, at least for three days anyways. though it was a short relationship, i can't help and look back at the various moments we shared, some memorable, others just plain controversial. I still remember one specific instance. It was Grad Night, She hugged me and for the first time showed me a direct sign of interest, she pushed her hands through my hair and said "your so adorable !!!!" I felt like i literally melted and became liquid.i can still feel it sometimes. When i think about it now it still makes me feels scarred but in a good way i guess. I suppose there will always be a part of me that will find it hard to let her go. Straying away from that topic just a bit, my current relationship is a confusing one. I love her very much but find it hard to keep my head on a logical path, we argue a lot, sometimes it's for nothing, other times for reasons she can't seem to understand. Sometimes i feel like I am persuading her to stay rather than letting it be her own desire to do so. Then there are days where nothing goes wrong and we are completely happy. Who knows though, hopefully things will workout because i love her quite a lot!!!

Now for the freshmen fifteen. Entering college about a year ago has left me with some extra weight. I used to be scared it made me into an ugly, undesirable person, but honestly, i think people find me rather cute, though i think it was more so when i was skinnier. Well in any case I am currently training in tennis for long hours (sometimes up to 5 continuous hours of training) so hopefully that will slim me down a bit. 

Life tosses me in many directions. I suppose eventually I'll land on a slope where I'll have no choice but to coast. Then I'll find my answers, when i reach the bottom.